Got this ‘forward’ in my mailbox today. I have read a similar ‘forward’ from Bengalis about Bengalis. Nice to see wicked Kashmiri humor at work here. Hats off to the anonymous who came up with the Kashmiri list.
1) You have the Kashur Nass.. we have a face on a nose!! Its like a nose broken into pieces and then reassembled by a 2 yr old..
2) You luuuuuv food!! No offense to fellow food lovers but we take our love for food one step ahead. (Even celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain had to concur during his visit to Jaipur where he ate out at the house of chef Vimal Dhar)
3) You take pride in being a Kashmiri .. So much so, that you think that the human race should be divided into two groups; People who are Kashmiris and people who wish they were Kashmiris:)
4) You have atleast 10 Avtarkishan, Hridainath. and we pronounce it has hadeynath.. we just don’t pronounce the r , santosh, pamposh, usha, bhusha, shanta, kanta ..in your family.. And people with nicknames like pyntu ji, paapu ji, byttuji….
5)You like alhach, wangan hach, hogaad.. I think kashmiris are the only people who dry perfectly good vegetables and then eat them even if they are living in tropical region.
6) All through your childhood you thought your father’s name was ” HEY YAPARHASA“.
7)You learnt all the kashmiri” WOH WOH” before you even learnt how to spell your name..
8)You look at non kashmiri people and say ” Uhn shikass“
9)Get excited when you see a kashmiri on television even if he’s standing in the corner and all you can see is his finger…” Oh look Kashmiri..” [Example in point 2]
10) Your sense of fun is having batta and sleeping..
11) You are obsessed with giss and mandloo..
12) You go to a Kashmiri gathering and turns out the next person is your relative that you havn’t ever met.. some mamtur poftur boy…and you don’t even know what the relation is called.
13) Your father addresses every person as ” this is my another brother” turns out that person is the next door neighbour’s sweeper’s son..
14)You have a typical Kashmiri name like Sheen, Sondri Gondri, Sukta..
15) If you translate Kashmiri into hindi in an attempt to speak hindi..”hum ghar main teen aurtey hain“-” uss chi gharass manjh trey zanaan“
“airport pay takleef nahin aaya” – “airport peth maa ove takleef.“
16) Your mom gets scared at every tiny thing and says “kossay trath hey payam“.. and then reads the yindrakhi paath . She screams ‘hai kya gom‘ on hearing about ill health of next door neighbour’s sweeper’s son.
17) You are a Doctor or an Engineer..
18) You eat every single organ of the goat like the chagul( goat testicles) , charvan( liver), hooves, the kidneys we don’t spare any part..
19) You have the funniest surname…
zalpuri ( zall which means pee) whyyyyy..
mattooo, kher ( donkey) or what kashmiris call ” Dunkey”
wattal( garbage man).. pure genius..
20) Have a thick accent and pronounce scotch as ssakaych.. or smoke as ssamokh
21) Have the weirdest style of dancing as if you are screwing two bulbs..
22) When your mother yells into the phone because its a long distance call!!
23) Your real birthday is called “cake vohorvod” or ‘angree’z vohorvod‘.
24) You go into a kashmiri store just to show off how much you know about Kashmiri artifacts but buy nothing..
25) Stuff people with food even if they are bursting up to their throats. Meyean dree…ahk piece byakh piece. And the curry is poured onto your palm and the piece is in your lap.
26) You are a Kashmiri if you pick that piece up, put it in your thaal and quitely eat while praying they don’t come back with more.
27) You prefer kandarwaan over the baguette..
28) While going for an exam your mother asks the kachravol or the dodhwol to walk to your right…and usually asks you to avoid Zanaan’e zang.
29) Your mother sees some women on television with skimpy clothes and calls her shikass mach, nang mach!!
30) Your father teaches you how to drive and all he can tell you is breyk breyk breyk and when you finally stop he says gggassuuu pppakooo..
31) “hello hello bi chass b” is your theme song..
32) Have at least 5 wokhuls and kajwatt in your house.
33) If someone reminds you every other day – Today is a aetham, don’t eat this.
34) If your scream ‘Tra’th‘ or ‘Ta’payeel’ thrice every hour, to no one in particular, without any rhyme or reason.
35) If you think smartest person in the world will one day be proved a Kashmiri. And also believe there is a good chance he or she will also turn out to be the most handsome or the most beautiful.
36) If you think every other Kashmiri is an idiot.
