comedy Archives - SearchKashmir

October 2, 2009October 12, 2020

Smudgeler

An old angrez, all the way from England, had come to inspect the Biscoe school. Boys from different classes were gathered in a hall and the guy would ask them various questions. In variable the question that gets asked is: What do you want to become? So after he asked this question to a bunch of boys, each time nodding his approval appreciating there replies – A Doctor, A Scientist, An Engineers, IAS, KAS, A Minister, A Lawyer, An Actor, A Singer – almost contend, other teachers wearing a proud smile, old geese stopped in front of a young boy who looked like he may have prepared and practiced his answer for days. This was his big day when the world will know.

‘What do you want to become when you grow up, Young Man?’
‘Sir, I was to become a big Smudgeler when I grow up.’
‘Goo…what?Sorry son, I didn’t catch your reply’
‘Sir, I was to become a big Smudgeler when I grow up.’
‘A Smudgeler!’
‘Yes, Sir’
The faces of teachers, looking at the baffled face of Angrez, went through a range of emotions, Surprise, Dumbstruck, Shocked, Angry, Refaced, Embarrassed, ‘What-did-he-say’ look, wait-till-I-get-my-hand-on- you’ Look.
Old Englishman asked around,’Can someone tell me what he wants to become? What the hell is a Smudgeler?” The faces of all teacher changed to ‘Could-you-repeat-the-question?’ look. Then an idea struck the Angreaz (but the teacher later claimed they all got the idea simultaneously). He walked the boy to the blackboard, handed him a chalk and asked him to right it down. The boy, shocked at their stupidity, confidently screeched away on the blackboar, in bold letter, the word –
S M U G G L E R.
Turning around he again spoke the word aloud in his mind: smuGG LER.

As he began to write each letter, some of them began to suspect but and then the word hit them. When the boy turned around with a ‘I-am-right.’ look (which the teachers read as ‘Now-you-know’ look) the full force of the words, each letter, hit them. It was the era of Haji Mastans whose great exploits were regularly in those films made in Bombay. The boy wanted to be a smuggler. Principal wished the earth to swallow him whole or at least let him bury his face into it. He did not want to face the Englishman. At least he got the spelling right, no one can fault the school for that. Angrez turned around and asked, ‘ Mr. Principal, now can you tell me what is this Smudgel that this gent here wants to smuggle into Kashmir?

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A cousin shared this funny story that apparently did take place for real.

June 13, 2009October 12, 2020

Kashyap Kashef Kashuf Causality

On the United Nations Assembly Floor:
A representative from India began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named.
When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, ‘What a good opportunity to have a bath.’
He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.’
The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, ‘What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren’t there then.’
The Indian representative smiled and said, ‘And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.’

– a ‘forward’ Email that was in circulation a couple of years ago.

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Pages from History.

‘Travels in Kashmir, Ladak, Iskardo, the Countries Adjoining the Mountain-Course of the Indus, and the Himalaya, north of the Panjab with Map’ By G.T. Vigne (Published 1844).

Godfrey Thomas Vigne(1801-1863), an English travelers visited Kashmir in 1835.

June 6, 2009October 12, 2020

You know you are a Kashmiri if…

Got this ‘forward’ in my mailbox today. I have read a similar ‘forward’ from Bengalis about Bengalis. Nice to see wicked Kashmiri humor at work here. Hats off to the anonymous who came up with the Kashmiri list.

Each of the point listed here rings true…chaeyn kasam 🙂 but I am making some additions

1) You have the Kashur Nass.. we have a face on a nose!! Its like a nose broken into pieces and then reassembled by a 2 yr old..

2) You luuuuuv food!! No offense to fellow food lovers but we take our love for food one step ahead. (Even celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain had to concur during his visit to Jaipur where he ate out at the house of chef Vimal Dhar)

3) You take pride in being a Kashmiri .. So much so, that you think that the human race should be divided into two groups; People who are Kashmiris and people who wish they were Kashmiris:)

4) You have atleast 10 Avtarkishan, Hridainath. and we pronounce it has hadeynath.. we just don’t pronounce the r , santosh, pamposh, usha, bhusha, shanta, kanta ..in your family.. And people with nicknames like pyntu ji, paapu ji, byttuji….

5)You like alhach, wangan hach, hogaad.. I think kashmiris are the only people who dry perfectly good vegetables and then eat them even if they are living in tropical region.

6) All through your childhood you thought your father’s name was ” HEY YAPARHASA“.

7)You learnt all the kashmiri” WOH WOH” before you even learnt how to spell your name..

8)You look at non kashmiri people and say ” Uhn shikass“

9)Get excited when you see a kashmiri on television even if he’s standing in the corner and all you can see is his finger…” Oh look Kashmiri..” [Example in point 2]

10) Your sense of fun is having batta and sleeping..

11) You are obsessed with giss and mandloo..

12) You go to a Kashmiri gathering and turns out the next person is your relative that you havn’t ever met.. some mamtur poftur boy…and you don’t even know what the relation is called.

13) Your father addresses every person as ” this is my another brother” turns out that person is the next door neighbour’s sweeper’s son..

14)You have a typical Kashmiri name like Sheen, Sondri Gondri, Sukta..

15) If you translate Kashmiri into hindi in an attempt to speak hindi..”hum ghar main teen aurtey hain“-” uss chi gharass manjh trey zanaan“

“airport pay takleef nahin aaya” – “airport peth maa ove takleef.“

16) Your mom gets scared at every tiny thing and says “kossay trath hey payam“.. and then reads the yindrakhi paath . She screams ‘hai kya gom‘ on hearing about ill health of next door neighbour’s sweeper’s son.

17) You are a Doctor or an Engineer..

18) You eat every single organ of the goat like the chagul( goat testicles) , charvan( liver), hooves, the kidneys we don’t spare any part..

19) You have the funniest surname…

zalpuri ( zall which means pee) whyyyyy..
mattooo, kher ( donkey) or what kashmiris call ” Dunkey”
wattal( garbage man).. pure genius..

20) Have a thick accent and pronounce scotch as ssakaych.. or smoke as ssamokh

21) Have the weirdest style of dancing as if you are screwing two bulbs..

22) When your mother yells into the phone because its a long distance call!!

23) Your real birthday is called “cake vohorvod” or ‘angree’z vohorvod‘.

24) You go into a kashmiri store just to show off how much you know about Kashmiri artifacts but buy nothing..

25) Stuff people with food even if they are bursting up to their throats. Meyean dree…ahk piece byakh piece. And the curry is poured onto your palm and the piece is in your lap.

26) You are a Kashmiri if you pick that piece up, put it in your thaal and quitely eat while praying they don’t come back with more.

27) You prefer kandarwaan over the baguette..

28) While going for an exam your mother asks the kachravol or the dodhwol to walk to your right…and usually asks you to avoid Zanaan’e zang.

29) Your mother sees some women on television with skimpy clothes and calls her shikass mach, nang mach!!

30) Your father teaches you how to drive and all he can tell you is breyk breyk breyk and when you finally stop he says gggassuuu pppakooo..

31) “hello hello bi chass b” is your theme song..

32) Have at least 5 wokhuls and kajwatt in your house.

33) If someone reminds you every other day – Today is a aetham, don’t eat this.

34) If your scream ‘Tra’th‘ or ‘Ta’payeel’ thrice every hour, to no one in particular, without any rhyme or reason.

35) If you think smartest person in the world will one day be proved a Kashmiri. And also believe there is a good chance he or she will also turn out to be the most handsome or the most beautiful.

36) If you think every other Kashmiri is an idiot.

March 31, 2009October 12, 2020

Kashmir belongs to United States of America

Does Kashmir – the bone of contention between India and Pakistan for over 50 years – really belong to the US? This is the startling revelation made by Dan Brown, the internationally bestselling author of The Da Vinci Code , in a shortly to be released non-fictional work, The Secret of the K-word .

Using spectroscopic analysis (a technique described in detail in The Da Vinci Code’ the author claims to have discovered the original document over which the Instrument of Accession, signed by Kashmir Maharaja Hari Singh and preserved in the National Archives, New Delhi, was later superimposed.

The secret document reveals that Hari Singh, equally apprehensive of joining either India or Pakistan, covertly ceded Kashmir to the US. According to Brown, when the map of Kashmir is reversed it becomes, uncannily, congruent with the hilly state of Kentucky in the southern US.

In a telephonic interview with The Times of India , the Houston-based author said…
he had employed the ancient Kabbalistic form of numerological interpretation to discover “amazing co-relatives between Kashmir and Kentucky which by no stretch of the imagination can be put down to pure coincidence”.

For instance, when the longitude of Frankfort, the capital of Kentucky, is divided by the latitude of Srinagar, the Kashmiri capital, the prime number so obtained has the same numeric valency as Article 370 of the Indian Constitution which accords a special status to Kashmir.

Describing it as “one of the best-hidden secrets of the modern world”, Brown acknowledged that his book would “create a global furore” and “open many cans of worms”.

Disclaiming that America’s Central Intelligence Agency had any role in these developments, the author said, “The truth can no longer be suppressed. We owe this much at least to the long-suffering people of Kashmir. May the truth set them free, at long last.”

– Times of India dated 1 Apr 2005.

More about the issue here

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March 26, 2009October 12, 2020

“Ahed Raza” Comedy King of Kashmir

video link

Nazir Josh, “Ahed Raza“or Comedy King of Kashmir, performs at Delhi International Week of Justice Festival (2008).

The act here is a sharp satire of government machinery.

Nazir Josh, a man from Budgam first became a comic phenomena that swept Kashmir in the early 1980s thanks to a 52-episode serial called “Hazar Dastan” or “One Thousand Tales”. The serial directed by his cousin Bashir Budgami for the State Doordarshan channel. It proved to be an instant hit and Ahed Raza Nazir Josh became a household name.

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I was young and “Shae’hi Dokkur“, Royal Hammer, a phrase from that serial, was part of the vocab that I was building. And then I forgot all about it.