Desolation of a Garden

There was not much snow that winter. By the time Herath got over, Katij would start arriving in cities and towns, building its mud nests under the window awnings, attic rafters, exposed wooden beams of crumbling old houses, in barns and rooftop sheds, underneath the ancient sounding bridges that creaked as you walked over them, and below the bow of houseboats that lined the Jhelum. A Barn Swallow is a species of bird that prefers living with man, building its house next to his, inside his dwelling. This bird trusts Man, when Man builds a city, the bird moves in with him. It has done so for many millennia. Katij’s yearly migration to Kashmir is probably as old as the arrival of man in this fabled earthly garden. Katij’s arrival in valley was the only migration that took place in 1990. What happened with Pandits was something else. This was the year I turned eight. What I witnessed that year, I didn’t fully understand. The misery that filled people that year told me I was seeing something that I should remember. That I should never forget.


My memories of the house are sticky like the smell of deodar and sweet like the smell of water on mud husk wall, alive like hooves of a beast breaking the floor, frightening like the neighing sound of horses in dead, dark nights. Families had a common kitchen till 70s. As the families grew, kitchens were separated, three newer basic structures comprising kitchen, hall and few bedrooms were setup. The kitchens still didn’t have running water, and although by 80s the gas stove had arrived, the traditional “Daan” wood fired oven still had a corner in the old house’s Thokur Kuth, the kitchen-cum-God room where Herath or Shivratri would be ritually celebrated every year.

In 1990, we left Kashmir a day after the day of Herath, we left on the day of Salaam. We boarded the bus early morning on the 23rd of February.

“When did we leave?” I still ask my grandmother. “Allah Ho Akbar Yelli gov” she replies. To her the date of leaving and the reason for leaving is the same: When the calls of Allah’s greatness were raised.

For those early years in Jammu, we never discussed these things. Even if it came up in conversations, the matter was discussed like an accident victim would describe his injury minutes after getting hit by a car: that is hurt, that they were hit. Only after hours, only while healing, does the victim go into the details of his injury and the nature of the incident, how it happened. In 1990, neighbourhood was rife with rumors of an old lady from our house offering water to the soldiers. For years my grandmother denied the charge, as if the charge mattered. It was only 25 years later that she accepts that she used to ask the soldiers if they needed anything. “It was out of humanity,” she says with a sense of guilt. As if she was the reason why the family was forced to leave. My grandmother does not know history. She studied till class 5 and then in post-Kabali raid Kashmir, was married off at the age of twelve. Many other girls in the valley were hastily married in the initial years of Independence. It was the after-effect of horror tales born in the 47-48 Kashmir war. My grandmother recalls this much about the conflict and its relation to her life story. She remembers the night of Allah-hu-Akbar of 1990.

I read history. In July 1931 riots, an incident took place in Karfali Mohalla, the place where my grandmother was born. The incident is recorded in the official riot report compiled by the Royal court. A Muslim witness, a Mirza, claims at around half past ten in night he heard the Pandits raise the cry of Nara-i-Takbir. He claimed the Hindus proceeded to make the claim that Muslims were looting them and burning the houses. He claims the Military (under foreign mediator, British Regent) came and found the claim to be false, they left scolding the Pandits.

Isn’t that still the claim? That the mosques issued no threats, Pandits made it up, that they unduly panicked, that they engineered their own exodus.

In 1931, in the mayhem unleashed on Pandits of Vicharnag, gongs were rung to gather the mobs, it was an open invitation to looting and plunder. Mosques were used to make the call for Jihad. All of it is in the riot report quoting eyewitnesses. I had no distinct memory of the night of 19th January 1990. All the nights of that winter were the same. House a shadow, “Blackout”, sometimes lit by candle and sometimes by the blue haze of a B&W television. We all huddled together, all sleeping in the same room, ears on alert, distant cracking of gunshots.

It took me 25 years to reconstruct the memory. It took my parents 25 years to open up and share their experience. They did it over the years, in bits and pieces.

Conflict arrived home one late afternoon in July 1988. “Munni ji bachey baal baal!” (Munni ji [mother] survived by a whisker), grandmother recalls. That day Mother came home with her chappals in hand. She was near the site of the blast at Telegraph office. Hearing the blast, she had taken off her chappals, expecting violent crowds on the main road, walked through bylanes to reach home taking routes and shortcuts my grandfather had taught her. We made Taher, the yellow rice to appease the Goddess who protects one from unforeseen evils. A lot of taher was made those days. Mother was a teacher in a village schools and she would commute daily in local bus. Once due to hartal, she was stuck in a Shia village. She took shelter in the house of a farmer where she sat a few hours looking at all the farming tools wondering if a woman could be killed using them. The whole year were “incidents”, mobs and shutdowns. By the time 1989 arrived, people had gotten used to it, this too became normal. A distant relative was killed by a spade. The official reports said the killer was insane, that it was a case of mistaken identity, that the reason for killing was something else. Soon enough, the killings started on a different scale. There were tales of masked men in gumboots carrying Russian guns returning home. Srinagar, ever the city of rumors, was drowning in rumours. When the first of the National Conference leader was assassinated, guns were handed over to NC workers for self defence. The story goes that the guns were soon “lost” and ended up with “Militants”. The national dailies that arrived in the city late in the evening, still called them Militants, the term terrorist was not yet in currency. It was 1989, the term Mujahid was only used by our neighbours.

Who were our neighbours? There was the horse cart family that lived in half the house and then behind us was the family that cleaned it’s jajeer water, spittoons and night soil into our backyard. Both these households were so close to our house, we could hear each other. At night we could hear the wheezing of the horses and in day we could hear the curses. Our houses were porous, when my sister was born, someone among the neighbours yelled, “Jaan Gos Billas Zaay Koor!” (Good that Billu had a daughter ) There were prayers too, my father recalls that on the night of Milad un Nabi, someone in the house behind us would sing all night in slow sonorous voice with a twang songs celebrating the birth of his prophet. Next to that house lived henna red haired Moghul of hollow cheeks and small kohl eyes. Abandoned by her husband, she made her living spinning cotton on a wheel. She had three sons and Posha was the daughter, her youngest. She had her mother’s eyes, just a bit squinty. In the neighbourhood she was nicknamed “Batte-Posh”, Pandit’s flower, for Posha grew up in our house. She remembers being taught crochet by my aunt, Veena. Sh remembers being forced to study, she remembers being asked to sing the “Jana Ganna Manna”. She was closest to Sahaba ji, one of my uncles, cousin of my father. Their houses were next to each other. When Mogul wanted to expand her first floor courtyard, he let her, even though it now expanded right into our land.

Towards the first week of January, Sahaba cousin uncle and Veena aunt were packed off and sent to Jammu for safety. They were the first to leave. It was Posha who brought in the news that Sahaba was on the Hitlist. Sahaba worked for the state cement factory, was active in Labor Union, most of his close friends were people who were in MUF (Muslim United Front), men went on to be the leaders for JKLF. What was the charge on him? He had briefly joined the state police force. His father-in-law was in Jail department. Being the only son of her mother and dead father, Sahaba soon left the job. The charge was he was “Special officer”. Posha by now was part of the juloos, the crowds that would come out on the streets screaming “Aazadi”. The schools were shut in around October, a month early for winter. Many such juloos I witnessed. Many a times I wanted to join them, the exhilaration was infectious. Many a times the crowds outside would scream “‘Hum kya Chahte?” Many a times, while mother taught me additions and subtractions in the highest room in the house, much to her chargin, I would run to a window and scream back, “Aazadi!”

Posha too was learning calculations. She knew people. Invisible people who now claimed to be true voice of Kashmiris. Posha claimed that there were charges against her too, serious charges like, “You eat with Pandits”. She passed the message that “Mujahids” don’t want to shoot the wrong person, but mistakes could always happen. The message was clear. Veena Didi was victim of another message, this one was not privately conveyed but broadcast publicly though newspapers. Muslim and Non-Muslim women were asked to put on their religious markers: Burqa, Bindi. The “Mujahids” were again being fair, they didn’t want to target the wrong person. This message too was clearly understood by those it was meant for. Veena Didi was working in microbiology department of the Soura hospital. She was the first woman in our family to go outside the state for studying. She would fight with her younger brother over her right to watch a movie in Broadway Cinema hall. Now, Kashmir demanded she turn up for job decked like a Hindu bride.

I watched Veena Didi spend all previous summer making Amla-Shikakai concoction, soaking her hair in it for hours. Applying rice gruel and even raw eggs. She was preparing for her Spring wedding. All the preparation had been done. Shopping, house painting, new curtains, setting up rows of mud oven in the yard under the Fig tree for cooking feasts in big tin pots. House was getting an update, a new bathroom was built, in it we would finally have a geyser, they were working on an engineering solution to get the shower also to work. A sintex tank, perhaps even a motor. New galvanized tin sheets were purchased to replace the old rusty ones in roof. All of this work was meant to be over by winter. The violence froze in the winter.

Yet, Veena’s hair grew on hartal days of winter and now touched the silver anklets of her feet. Then the message arrived along with clear signs of times to come. There were acid attacks on some working women, Hindu and Muslim.

Message meant that even if Shivratri was approaching, Veena and Sahaba Nanu had to leave for safety of Jammu. On the way, their bus rolled down a gorge, many were injured, some died. News reached home: Sahaba Nanu had chipped a front teeth, Veena had a minor head injury, doctors had snipped her hair a bit to bandage the wound. Rest they were all fine. More Taher was prepared. It was as if the Gods had taken an extra liking for taher that year. In the coming weeks, their love for valley was going to demand more than just yellow rice from them, it was going to make demands on their life.

Kashmiri Muslims also make Taher, it is just that their yellow rice has fried onion in it, thus ritually different than Pandits, but same in essence, tabruk, a blessing. In these times they too needed blessings. A few weeks later the first person to die in our neighbourhood was Posha’s elder brother who ran a knick-knack cart outside our main door. A simple man whose life’s objective each day it seemed was just to make kids laugh. That’s probably why everyone called him a “mout”, a madman, a species that once flourished in Kashmir, every neighbourhood had one. This “mout” would often give kids sugar coated multi-colored sauf packets for free. I spent a lot of time sitting outside our gate, eyeing toys, awaiting new ones. I wasn’t at the gate the day he died in cross fire, caught between guns of Mujahids and soldiers. Of her two remaining brothers, one was already a Mujahid, he too would be dead in a few months. The one remaining brother was to teach Posha how to ride a scooty two decades later.

It took me two decades to realize that Posha, the messenger of 90s was just about sixteen at the time, just a few years older than my eldest cousin. I had questions for Posha, now a lab assistant in a government school, married to a grade three government employee who in winters would sell Kashmiri goods like Kullu Shawl in cities as far off as Bangalore. Her beautiful two kids, a boy and a girl were in a Zakir Naik run private institution. I asked Posha in which standard was she at the time. She was in fifth standard on account of having joined the schooling quite late after much coercion. She was such a central powerful figure in our memories of 1990, I did think she be older. Just sixteen and yet she held sway over the fate of our family in 1990.

Years later, in our house in Jammu, Posha was telling Sahaba Nanu how Jagmohan had engineered the whole thing. She was banned from the house for a few years, but she keeps coming, old bonds remain and get tugged. She visits and tells us of other girls of the neighbourhood, her cousins who grew up in our house. She tells us of Billi, the little girl who used to climb the grape creepers. Billi died of Breast cancer a few years ago even as a Pandit doctor couldn’t save her and probably over charged. She confesses Mother’s dressing table is with her. “Look, everyone was taking stuff. I assumed you be happy at least the dressing table is with me!” Mother has hated her ever since their first meeting. At the wedding, when Posha first saw my Mother, she couldn’t help but exclaim, “Billu Bhaiya, ye ha krihin!” (Brother Billu, she is dark skinned!) Father in embarrassment gagged her mouth before she could utter more and handed his wrist watch to her as a bribe. “She herself is dark like a watul!”, mother would often say.

Mother was not with me on the night of 19th January. A grand-aunt of hers had passed away a few days ago. Mother was at Chanpora at her sister’s place. She had taken my sister along. This was probably the last time she travelled alone in Kashmir. Why she took my sister and not me? Probably because my sister was two years younger and easier to manage. I would not easily agree to leave the house. They tell me even when I was a toddler, everytime I returned from matamaal, I would straightaway head for my favorite spot near a window, sit under it and run my fingers over the familiar cracks in the walls, assuring myself that I was really home. Funeral had become all the more tragic affair because the city was again under curfew and there was no simple way to reach the dead. Those who could reach had walked all the way to Barzulla, after crossing the winter dried bed of Doodhganga river on foot, they had used inner routes that none of their progenies would know or own in exile. Mother skipped the visit.

What does my mother remember?

When the loudspeakers started baying for blood on 19th, my sister wouldn’t stop crying. The mosque was very close to their house, I still remember the day crowds had gathered in the grounds around it after a lightning had struck it. Now the loudspeakers thundered, “Death to Kafirs!” Possibly the crowds were gathering in the grounds. Those inside the house were on the edge. Chanapore was a new locality, filled by people who had moved in here after selling off their older properties as the families were growing, the neighbors were new, there were no old ties between them. “Rivers of Blood shall flow! Justice awaits!”, the tape running in the mosque promised in Hindustani. On it went, it seemed for hours that stretched like eternity. My Massi a single woman was raising two teenage kids in the house. Two women, three children and an old grandmother, all locked themselves up inside a room and awaited justice. My sister never had a sense of propriety, she started crying. They tried to pacify here, it was of no use, once she starts there is no end. Afraid that there were mobs outside on prowl, Massi stuffed Parle-G biscuits inside her mouth to shut her up.

It was the same all over the city for Kashmiri Pandit women. How? I know in Jawahar Nagar, a girl who is now married to one of my cousins, was shut by her parents inside a storeroom under a staircase to keep her safe. I know in Indira Nagar, a girl, now my aunt, was shut in an attic.

“What happened in Chattabal that night?,” I ask my father and his brothers.

19th January was a Friday. It was well past the dinner time when local mosque started blaring taped messages over the loudspeaker asking the faithful to rise against the unfaithful, to declare war on the infidels and free themselves forever, free, like gods always wanted them to be. The unfaithful us were watching the Friday night English movie on Doordarshan. Ironically, as if Kashmir exists in a cruel predetermined universe, they were watching Escape From Sobibor (1987), a telefilm on a group of Polish Jews escaping from an extermination camp. Heeding the call of faith, ignoring the curfew orders, people started to gather in the streets chanting slogans of god, war and freedom. My father and uncles went outside to check, but only after locking everyone else inside the house. All our Muslim neighbours were there. The crowd was walking towards the nearby tongachowk. Walking at the fringe ends of the crowd, my father and uncles reached the spot to witness the hujoom, a sea of men. They saw a bonfire of tyres and around it people screaming their lungs out at the invisible enemy. This went on for sometime. Then people started heading back home. After most of the people had disappeared, an armored van arrived on the scene with local state police in tow. Father and his brother knew what it meant and headed for the house, while running, they tried to warn the others. A man from the neighbourhood refused to budge, he had three daughters, he was convinced they were coming for his daughter. There were few others like him. Next day, a firefighter truck arrived spraying water to remove the blood stains from the roads.

My grandfather went for the funeral against the advice of the children. People gave speeches about war to bring lasting peace. Revenge, so that every martyr’s soul finds passage to the final home. My grandfather never spoke in detail about his experience at thefuneral. On being reminded of it, as if embarrassed, as if he had committed a crime, grandfather would touch his ears and say, “Trahi! Trahi! (Save! Save! The things I heard!).” I ask the women, my aunts and grand-aunts, people locked inside the house about that night of 19th in Chattabal. The screaming started about 10:30 at night. They remember the film was about some sort of revolution. People and candle lit march. Perhaps about some Russian revolution. For a moment they thought the slogans were coming from the TV. It took them some time to be alarmed. They thought a mob was preparing to loot and kill. While they were still gathering their wits, there was hard knocking on the main door. The walls and doors of the house were no longer respected. It was as if they didn’t exist. Only weeks ago, ITBP (Indo-Tibetan Border police) had jumped over the wall at night, forced us all to line up against the wall and asked us why we were sending light signals from the house. It took us some time to explain that there was a hole in one of our high windows, what they had seen was a game of shadows and candle. Not convinced they asked my father if he knew how many bullets an AK-47 fires in a second. They wanted to know if we were hiding militants. Our only defense was that we were Hindu. A local policeman had intervened on our behalf explaining that these men were not to be questioned. We were let off. That night I remember clearly. It is the 19th January I don’t remember. Maybe I was asleep. I wasn’t allowed to stay up for late night english movie nights.

Wife of my father’s elder cousin, a woman I grew up calling Aunty Mummy narrated the ordeal. It was the neighbour knocking on the gate, Posha was also there, inviting “Baaji, Come join us!”. There was going to be a protest march. They wanted our participation. It was more a proof of loyalty being demanded. A defense was being created. It was a demand masked as a request. A denial of such request could have all kinds of repercussions if we planned to live in Kashmir. Who would want to be labelled backstabbing Indian agent in such times. Kashmiris, all of us, keep such scores for very long time, decades, centuries, passing them on in our genes. The score of this denial may be asked to settle a century later. After all Kashmiri Pandits were still answering for the events of the 1930s and 40s. So, off went the men on their adventure in the street outside wearing their winter jackets. Before leaving all the women were gathered in the store room, in the store was an almirah, and behind the almirah a window that opened in the Muslim house behind us. They were instructed to jump outside if there was any danger. “After all these neighbours saved us in 47!”, they surmised. After the men locked them from outside and left, it was in darkness that the futility of the plan dawned on women. This store room was on the first floor. Even if they survived the jump somehow, none of them would be able to run and escape. They started uttering in silent whispers “indrakshi namsa devi” while the loudspeaker continued to squeal. This was the room I was in even though I have no memory of it. I probably slept through it all.

I remember the day the decision to leave was taken a few days later. I remember I was happy when I heard we were all going to Jammu. I had been to Jammu the previous year during a school break. I thought it was going to be another vacation. Taking that decision, locked inside a room, two generations of Razdans fought each other. Children were not allowed in. I could hear the load sounds coming out of the room, it seemed like everyone was angry and unhappy. I tried to listen in, climbed a window to get a peek, the room was curtained. I was told later that the elders were not ready to move, they thought it was justanother phase in Kashmir that too shall pass, the young tried to convince them that the ground beneath their feet didn’t exist, that the world they had inhibited had already turned to ash.


We were leaving Kashmir, that was certain. The only question that remained was, when.

The city was under constant curfew for fifteen to twenty day. There was no way to even inform the relatives, we had no phone. The children still played in the yard, men played cards all day while women were busy serving them tea and snacks. On the surface everything seemed normal, we kept up with the appearances, trying hard not to alarm the neighbours. If anyone had a score to settle, we did not want them to know now was the time.

The only risk taken in the calculations done in that room was that we were going to leave after performing the Shivratri rituals. Elders were prepared to die for that. They prayed to Gods to grant them only this much time. Elders also decreed that younger ones will be the first to leave. Elders will stay on for some more time, they had seen enough seasons, if the situation got better, perhaps we would all be together again in Kashmir in a month or so. There was no curfew from 5 to 8 in the morning. That was our window. A day after Shivratri, on the morning of Salaam, on 23rd February, Gull Touth, the neighbourhood Muslim Tongawalla arrived at our gate just before the sun’s first ray bent over the Zabarwan mountain range to enter the valley. Many a times at odd hours he had ferried pregnant women and sickly children to hospital, often he had ferried crying housewives to their mothers. This day he ferried us to Lal Chowk Ghanta Ghar. I don’t know what he thought was going on. We got into the first video coach bus going out of the city. I was overjoyed as this was my first ride in a video coach. It felt like the vacation fun had already started. Curtains were drawn on the windows, the movie they played that day was Namak Halaa, or was it Naseeb, the memory is divided. My joy was short lived as TV was switched off when we reached Qazi Gund, some women had started crying loudly and a few men were pleading that they all be left alone in silence. In silence we crossed the tunnel named Jawahar, after a Kashmiri Pandit. In the bus were: my mother, my sister, my father, an uncle and I.

On reaching Jammu, father left us the next day to head back for Srinagar. I would see him again only after about two months. Srinagar was under a curfew like never enforced before. Even the bylane and inner walkways were off limits to the public. In Jammu we camped in a rooftop store-room of a relative. There was no way for us to know their well-being. This relative was a former KAS officer, they had a phone. Sometime news would arrive. Terrible news. There had been another killing. A pandit had been shot in his room, another had been shot in the toilet, a man was shot grappling his assailant, a pandit was shot in the street outside his house. A relative, a young man with kids my age had been killed. I remember those days, I prayed to Gods, “Please, let no one in my family die. I promise to worship you for the rest of my life.” I made this promise to all the gods I knew. By the time Jammu summer arrived, all of us were reunited. Storeroom was our new address that whole year. It took me decades to ask my father how he left Kashmir.

“I reached Karan Chowk at about 9 P.M. The Auto-driver refused to take me further. I had to walk thirty minutes to reach home. There were bunkers every few yards, and not a soul in sight. I told myself if a shot rings out anywhere, there will be cross-firing and that will be it. I must have walked that path a thousand times in my life, many a times after a late night movie show but never in life had I experienced that unexplainable fear. Those thirty minutes were the worst. This curfew went on for about two months. Some neighbours did come looking for Sahaba. They assured, ‘We are just making sure no wrong man is targeted.’ A pandit in the neighbourhood was picked to have his throat slit. Some Muslim neighbours pleaded for the man, gave good remarks about his character and the man survived. One day while the milkman was handing over the milk to your uncle over the side wall of the house, the spot where pomegranate tree grew, there was a burst of AK-47 directed at the house. It was the last warning. We were looking for a way to escape. But, there was not enough money in the house. By April, there was let up in curfew hours. On 13th April, I collected two months of salary, Rs. 1900 from the bank. That’s how I remember the date we left. We now had the money but we still needed a transport. There were trunks that we needed to take along, afterall there was going to be a wedding in the family. A few days later your grandfather spotted a truck in the neighbourhood, it was a truck from Punjab delivering cattle to the local slaughterhouse. We struck a deal with the Sikh driver. He agreed to load us in his truck for Rs. 900. I know all this from the expense diary I was maintaining at the time. We left on the morning of 16th April.”

“Your grandmother and I sat in the front.” Aunty Mummy remembers like it happened yesterday. “At Pantha Chowk, a group of Army men stopped the truck. Finding us inside, they found the men at the back sitting on trunks, surrounded by animal filth. An officer asked us not to leave, he promised they will protect us. Tears started rolling down our eyes. We told them they were issuing our death warrant by asking us to stay. That they did not know what it was like to live in this Kashmir. The officer relented and let us pass.”

Father remembers one more thing, “At Qazigund, around nine, we saw a man with briefcase standing by the road, signing vehicles to stop. It was a Pandit man we could tell, probably making his escape to be with his family outside. He escaped along with us. An unknown man. That is how we lived and survived.”

No one in my family died that year but perhaps a part of them got left behind. I remember the day grandfather broke the television in anger. He threw a metal jug at the screen. It happened one evening when the grownups were having some discussion in our rooftop storeroom refuge. I could hear grandfather’s raised voice and the glass breaking, followed by a long winding sound of metal ringing on the floor. The discussion ended. There was no television that day. I wondered what they must have been discussing in the room. I never found out. I guess they were not happy on the roof. It was a silent night. A horrible thought took root in my mind. What if it really was a sad situation? What if it was a permanent state? What if we never return to Kashmir? I hadn’t met any of my cousins during this entire time. Everyone had stopped visiting each other. I wondered if they too were living like this. What would happen to my treasure trove that I had buried in Kashmir before leaving? Before leaving, in a far off corner of the courtyard I had dug a hole in the ground and buried inside it my precious things for safekeeping: a small wooden black horse, a plastic wound up Jeeptoy with a missing roof, half a magnet, some tips of broken pens, some empty casings of sketch color pens, a dead silvery lighter belonging to a dead granduncle, some bright colored glass marbles and a piece of a blade of a hand saw. What would happen to them? There were more…my precious belonging: a hot-wheels car, one EverReady cell, bottle caps, a shard of green colored glass, plastic whistles collected from sauf packets, two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle…that were once part of Taj Mahal. Counting my treasures I went to sleep. Next morning, father made me carry our broken 14-inch television to a repair shop to have its tube replaced. It survived. We survived. The show continued. Veena Didi got married a few months later.


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A few years ago when I met the woman I was going to marry, I asked her where she was in 1990. “Delhi,” she answers. When I ask for more details, all I get is, “we had some relatives there, after a few months in Jammu, we were in Delhi.” I keep prodding for many months. There is more to her story, like many others of my generation, she is embarrassed to say that her family from Baramulla was for the first few months living in a farmer’s farm shed at the outskirts of Jammu, near the airport. What does she remember from that year: “A brick once fell from the roof. We made Taher.”

I tell her about the place where I was born. I tell her, “It was once a beautiful Garden. A place named Bagh-i-Sundar Bala Chattabal.” I ask her to tell me about the Garden in which she was born.

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Family in the home garden. [Right to left] Mother, Father, Uncle. Grandmother, Aunt. Chattabal, Kashmir. 1979.
A few years before my birth.

Pt. Rughonath Vaishnavi and a dead Temple. 1960

Remains of Bhairav temple Chattabal
2009. Pic: Autar Mota

In 1951, the Food Control Department of Jammu and Kashmir State encroached upon and occupied the Bathing Ghat and other premises of Bhairav temple Chattabal. They started using the place for distributing rations. The temple was desecrated. I grew up hearing stories of the desecration. But, I assumed may be post 1990, my family was exaggerating. My family comes from the area, my grandfather used to take me to the Ghat and show me the lock on the temple and the ruins. I was eight. Over the decades my grandfather saw the temple of his ancestors desecrated multiple times, in 1973 a mob threw chappals into the Hawan kund and in 2008 we saw a glimpse of the burnt remains of the temple. He was eighty. I wrote about it. The story was still not clear to me.

I recently came across postscript to the story in a small footnote in the book “Crisis in Kashmir”(1991) by Pyarelal Kaul (who was with Praja Socialist Party).


“That Shri Bhokhatiashwar Bhairov Nath Asthapan, Chattabal, Srinagar is and continues to be, an ancient, holy shrine of the Hindus — That the said Asthapan Ghat is and has been with the Hindu Community in general, always used by the Hindus of Chattabal in particular, for the observance of religious rites and worship such as daily Sandhya, Kriya Karam, Shradhas, etc., for hundreds of years past. —
That the entire compound of the said shrine has been reduced to a public market place by the said illegal and unlawful encroachment by use and occupation of the said Bathing Ghat and other premises of the said shrine with night soil, urine, filth and rubbish of every kind.”

Notice dated April 2, 1960 under section 80 CPC to the Chief Secretary of State for removal of encroachment and payment of damages. The advocate for Pandits was Pt. Rughonath Vaishnavi, the man who Tahreeki propagandists now like to market as “Pakistani Pandit” ignoring the fact that during Bangladesh war he was one of the men who supported liberation of Bangladesh.

Why did Pandits chose Vaishnavi as a representative?

It is true, Vaishnavi was a man with political opinions and stood by his ideology. He believed in democracy. Resolution through non-violent means. Even if it all meant Kashmir becoming part of Pakistan. But, as this notice shows, he was concerned about what was happening to his community. It was something that concerned him directly. He was physically living in Kashmir. So, the meaning of it was clear to him. Perhaps he saw this act as an extension of Muslim ultra-nationalistic tendencies being fanned in the valley for all kind of political gains. Today, most KPs who remember the destruction of this temple, blame the ghat boatmen Hanjis, people of nearby locality Nalbandpora, which was hotbed of Plebiscite front politics (which back them was just another front for getting NC back in power) for the desecration of the temple with the motive of usurping the temple land. Few remember the politics behind it. 

This act of Vaishnavi  sets him apart from the new age “Pakistani Bhattas and Bhattanis” of present generation who are incapable of doing the same, [among them is Vaishnavi’s grand-daughter  Mona Bhan]. All they can do is push stories of “Kashmiri Muslims performing last rite of Kashmiri pandit” and then while living outside Kashmir write about dead pandits who loved Kashmir to be part of Pakistan. They can sell fear of Hindu India and at the same time sell the idea of peace with Muslim theoretic state of Pakistan and a Sharia compliant paradise Kashmir. Forgetting that from Bazaz to Vaishnavi, all of them have written about obvious growing religious fanaticism of Pakistan. It is they who are also enablers of the environment today in which a pandit writing a petition about desecration of a Hindu temple in Kashmir would be labeled “Sanghi Batta”. Vaishnavi today would have been labeled Sanghi Batta out to demonize Kashmiri Muslims. No matter what they say or write the true meaning of these events cannot be changed for the victims. The temple is dead.

It was this dispute from 1950s that foretold that my family would be forced to leave their ancestral place someday. In late 60s, some of the families from our extended clan started leaving the place. Some moved to Delhi and some to other localities. My grandfather stayed on but he did purchase a piece of land in Jammu in late 60s after selling a piece of land in Chattabal near Lakad Mandi. All of them knew what was coming, they didn’t know the date. All of them were preparing for the inevitable.

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Video Link

mathematics of loss

2008

I have done the maths,
the world is doomed.
I am told my ancestors were 
exploiters –
ticks,
the bloodsuckers.
They got land
and more land.
And then, lost it all
in 1990.
In middle of conflict,
a family of wood-cutters
bought our house.
They pulled apart the mud bricks and wood:
hundred year old deodar windows and doors.
A fortress in cement was built.
A sawmill in the middle.
I count the number of trees cut.
I have done the maths,
the world is doomed.
In Money.
What they paid us,
I now make in a month.
I run the maths on inflation.
Numbers hold.
I too shall build a fortress
I shall again count the number of trees cut.

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That Night in Chattabal

Pattered on paintings
of G. R. Santosh
using
“The Rumor,” (1943) by
German artist A. Paul Weber. 



tse kyoho vaatiyo myaani maranai
What will you gain with my death

~ Habba Khatoon

That morning I woke up to find a dead body in the courtyard. The day was going to be exciting. I called my sisters to have a look. We gathered around the body in a circle, examining it in fear and awe. What were we to do with it? How does this game work? There was a dead Rooster in the house and we had to do something about it. We were going to save it’s soul. It was to receive a proper funeral. One sister proposed a fire ritual. I objected.  The only people in the neighbourhood who had roosters and chickens in the house were Muslims, so our dead Rooster was obviously a Muslim, and deserved a burial. In any case, fire was going to get us in trouble with the elders. Everyone agreed. It made perfect sense. Next we needed to find a place to bury it without getting seen by anyone. Just behind the new room in which I used to sleep, there was a narrow alleyway used for storing wood. It was a perfect hiding place. As I started digging a hole in the ground, my sisters started gathering flowers for the ceremony. Moving the dead body to the grave proved to be a bit tricky. We were afraid of touching it. What if something evil latched onto us?  Fear of bacteria, virus and ghosts froze out hands. Finally, we came up with another trick. We rolled the body onto a torn old shirt of mine and dragged the shirt to the grave. A laughing carnival to the funeral. Then we dumped the body into the hole and sealed it up with soil. The grave wasn’t perfect. I had underestimated the size of the rooster and digging into the ground using bare hands and wooden sticks hadn’t been easy. So, the grave was quite bulgy with the soil barely covering the feathered body, you could still see the blue–brown-orange sheen on its wings. But that’s the best we could do. We were happy. We sprinkled some flowers over the spot and sang, ‘OmJaiJagadeshehare’. We decreed, if we repeated the ritual for seven days, Rooster’s soul was going to be saved from turning into a ghost and roaming forever on earth, haunting innocent people. In the end, Rooster was going to find peace and go straight to heaven. Or, so we thought. In the evening, when I visited the spot. The grave had been dug up and the body missing. Some hungry dog had met it’s lunch in our make believe graveyard. Rooster’s soul remained unsaved. We declared the alley haunted for the ghost of Rooster shall forever loom here.

Way to the alleyway where the rooster was buried.
2008.

During the winter of 1989-90, holed up inside our house at Chattabal in outskirts of Srinagar, that was what I was doing, playing, while Kashmir started its rapid descend into hell.

Many years later, when I narrated the incident to an uncle, he asked me when was this? Was it before 19th January or after?

19th January, has now come to mean something sinister. The definite line in history. I knew what he was thinking, ‘The dead rooster, with its wrung neck (or was it slit?), could have been thrown by someone into the house as a warning for things to come.’ Uncle knew what I was thinking, ‘Or maybe a dog dragged it in!’

‘Why do you have to complicate things? Don’t you remember the time our house was fired at?’

I remember. The city was under curfew. Fetching daily supplies was difficult. Vegetables and milk were passed wall to wall by the local sellers. Neighbours were still helping each other. As usual, that day uncle was fetching milk across the wall when there was a sudden long burst of bullets fired from an automatic rifle. Uncle dropped the milk tumbler and ran inside the house. A little later we all gathered outside and stared at the house looking for bullet marks.

‘You saw the holes in the house. Didn’t you?’

Our old house, how I loved it. It’s deodar wood. It’s smell. One time, I climbed the windows collecting resin that they would ooze in summers. I almost reached the first floor. How I was afraid when I realised I had climbed a little too high. How I jumped and danced on surviving, realizing my legs were stronger than I believed.

There were already too many holes in the wooden windows of the old house. How to tell which ones were made by the bullets and which one by time?

The uncertainty and fear experienced on that night still colours the nature of our memories of Kashmir. Perhaps, forever. The stories from the night have been untwined and simplified even as the future is getting more twisted. Twenty five years is a long time. Progress of humanity, or the decay, should not be counted in centuries anymore. But in quarters. Times change too fast now. Or do they change at all?

1972-1947=25: Partition, thermonuclear bomb, man on moon, computers, bunch of wars and Bangladesh.
2015-1990=25: Kashmir, liberalisation, nuclear tests, internet, war and again Kashmir.

Did people in 1972 talk about 1947 like it all happened yesterday? If they were among those who ‘lost’. I am sure they did. I am sure in their minds they too painted their lost homes. Cursed and mourned their neighbours. I am sure they remembered and told many a old tales. Who remembers?And, on some marked anniversaries, under banner of some banal community welfare committees, the ‘lost’ people asked to be told the old tales again. The tales of their loss. I am sure many a wiser men have been caught in this loop. and wondered, ‘I can see contours of great mathematical equation, the constants, but what does it all mean?’ May be it means nothing.

And yet, again, twenty five years later, I ask: Tell me the story one more time.

Tell me one more time what happened that night in Chattabal. I know in Chanpora, my sister had her mouth gagged by my Massi using Parle-G biscuits so that the she would stop crying and not draw attention while the faithful at mosques called for death and justice. I know in Jawahar Nagar, a girl who is now married to one of my cousins was shut by her parents inside a storeroom under a staircase to keep her safe. I know in Indira Nagar, a girl, now my aunt, was shut in an attic. I know those days were all the same for all of us. I know in Malik Angan Fateh Kadal, the family into which my sister is now married had their house fire bombed. I know. But tell me again what happened that night in Chattabal.

It was Friday and after the Isha Namaz, the local mosque started blaring taped messages over the loudspeaker asking the faithful to rise against the unfaithful, to declare war on the infidels and free themselves forever, free, like gods always wanted them to be. The unfaithful, most of them at home, were watching the Friday night English movie on Doordarshah. Ironically, as if universe has a logic, they were watching ‘Escape From Sobibor’ (1987), a tele-film on a group of Polish Jews escaping from an extermination camp. Heeding the call of faith, ignoring the curfew orders, people started to gather in the streets chanting slogans of God, war and freedom. Hearing all the commotion, my father and uncles went outside to check, but only after locking everyone else inside the house. All our Muslim neighbours were there. The crowd was walking towards the nearby tonga chowk. Walking at the fringe ends of the crowd, my father and uncles reached the spot to witness the hujoom, a sea of men. They saw a bonfire of tyres and around it people screaming their lungs out at the invisible enemy. This went on for sometime. In all this commotion, my father saw a bakhtarband gadi approaching the chowk from a narrow alley. There was an armoured vehicle slowing moving towards the crowd. He got suspicious. He bent down to his knees, put his ears to the road and tried to see past the vehicle. Beyond it, he could see something moving along. A giant centipede with hundred legs marching on. He could now even hear it. There were security men walking behind the vehicle. Father got up and ran to his brothers. There was going to be trouble. They decided to head back home. Walking back, they ran into [    ], a man who lived further down the street from our house. [   ] was livid with anger, his arms in air, chanting along with the crowd, in unison…Azaadi. Eyes blood red. My father and uncles told him what they saw and pleaded with him to head back home. [   ] wouldn’t listen. He said he had five young daughters at home, if anyone was going to harm them, he was ready to kill and ready to die. My father and uncles thought it futile to reason anymore with him. [   ] was a reasonable man but tonight reason had died. As soon as they reached the house and closed the doors behind them,  a volley of shots rang out. Pop like the pop in popcorn, but only louder, loud enough to put the fear of God in you. They could hear people screaming and running. The chanting had stopped. More shots followed. More running and screaming. Some more odd shots. And then a deafening silence. It was all over in a few minutes. The chowk which only moments ago was drowning in hellish chants had now floating in silence. After waiting for sometime, one of my uncles decided to open the main door and take a quick look outside. He couldn’t see a single soul on the road. No people. No security forces. No trace of the armoured vehicle. There were only chappals strewn all over the place. And on the road he saw something else. Something that called out to him. He went back inside the house and told everyone about the strange scene outside. He said he was going outside to check something. His brothers tried to stop him. It was madness. He didn’t listen. He was always a daredevil, the man assigned to ‘fetch first-day-first-show’ tickets at Broadway Cinema. Uncle stepped out ducking his head, as if to make himself invisible. A quick few paces away from house, he bent down to take a closer look. Something was there. Something dark. His curious hands reached out to touch it. The shock of liquid warmth sent his hands into recoil. Frantically, he rubbed his hands in dirt and ran back inside to announce, ‘There is blood on the street. There is blood. But, no bodies.’ Night was spent by them in vigil. This uncle of mine died about fifteen years later in a road accident, just past Qazigund, while returning to Kashmir as a tourist. Maybe, he should have not gone out that night.

Next morning, bodies were found on the roadside, chucked under some wooden logs. [   ] was among the dead. He had taken four or five bullets. Enforcing curfew, Security men had gone lane to lane, like fire brigade, with not a hose but guns, dosing fire. “Shoot at sight”, it was called. [  ] was declared the first ‘martyr’ from the area. An invitation was extended to everyone to attend the funeral. My father and uncles refused to go even though they had a new respect for the dead man, a respect that dead command and living unwillingly offer. Nothing good would have come of it, they all agreed. However, overruling the objections of the younger generation, my grandfather, out of some sense of ‘neighbourly duty’, decided to go. What followed was another tragedy. The religious affair that is funeral, quickly transformed into a political affair. Men of faith were asked to promise a final war, a final solution and a lasting blow. A war to bring lasting peace. Revenge, so that every martyr’s soul finds passage to final home. Let their names be remembered forever. There was a world to be destroyed, a new world to be gained.

My grandfather never spoke in detail about his experience at the funeral of [   ]. On being reminded of it, as if embarrassed, as if he had committed a crime, grandfather would touch his ears and say, ‘Trahi! Trahi! (Save! Save! The things I heard!)’.

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The piece was later republished on EPW, 23 Apr, 2016
and a version on Scroll.in, Apr 30, 2016

My Address, was

While clearing his bag of old papers to be thrown away, my father found this old envelope. Before I could stop him, he tore it into two. It carried our old Srinagar address. I kept it 
Last month my father packed his bags from Delhi NCR and moved back to Jammu. Fourteen years ago, I wasn’t there when he moved in, and I wasn’t there when he moved out. While moving in, none of my stuff had to be moved in but while moving out, he had to pack seven cartons of books collected over my seven year stay in the city.
Once the news of unpacking was passed on, my mind was caught in a strange mathematics. My grandfather spent a major portion of his life at that Srinagar address, about 65 years. At no other place did he live for a longer duration. So did my father, about 35 years. And weirdly enough, so did I, about 8 years. I haven’t stayed at a single place for more that 8 years. Right now, Chattabal is still the place were I have spent a major portion of my life. 
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My Address
Today I effaced my house number
the name of the street at the outset.
I wiped away the directions of every road.
And still if you must search me out
just knock at the door
in each street of each city of each country
it’s a curse, a benediction both
and wherever you find a free soul
          – that’s my home!
Amrita Pritam, translated from Punjabi by the poet.

From – ‘India: An Anthology of Contemporary Writings’ (1983), Ed. by David Ray and Amritjit Singh.
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Radhakrishan’s Trial

This window of a memory is held by four hinges.

Hinge 1: Victim

In accordance with the law of those time, the death sentence was announced to Radhakrishan in a whisper. Somewhere between January and February 1990, one morning, Radhakrishan was picked up from his home and taken to the ghat, the river bank, for a quick trial. It wasn’t long before the entire neighbourhood heard about it. Maybe it was the wails of his wife and children. Foreboding a judgement, people shut themselves in.

Hinge 2: Judge, Jury and Executioner

The men who knocked on Radhakrishan’s home and dragged him to the river bank remain unknown, unidentified.

Hinge 3: Litigator

Mohd. Yusuf had bought a state of the art VCR from his trip to Dubai. Around this he built a small business. He started a Video and TV rental service. Given the love of Kashmiris for moving images, it wasn’t long before his venture became a success. Soon he started a TV repair counter too. A technician came all the way from Punjab to work the counter in summers. The video shop of Mohd. Yusuf was right next to our house. The cassette for the first ever English movie I ever saw came from his shop. The film was a ‘B-grade Sci-Fi Action-Opera meets Cowboys-on-bikes’ flick called Megaforce. The only reason this film probably reached that corner of the world was because it starred Persis Khambatta. But what stuck with me was the starkness of its deserts and the crassness of the people who inhabited it. I liked it. From this shop came the cassettes for Dracula, the 1977 TV series version produced by BBC keeping the original written work in mind. It’s ending gave me my first nightmare. Guns and horses.

Hinge 4: Witness

All trivial details in which the true meaning is lost. All junk and pulp. These useless but strong hinges that support meaningless memories. Until a few years ago, that’s all I knew about Mohd. Yusuf – the video seller. And I hadn’t even heard about Radhakrishan’s trial. I heard the story over a phone, thousands of miles away from the scene of crime.

Towards the end of 2012,  one afternoon, my niece came home with a school friend of hers. A girl just her age. Both of them were born in 1996 in Jammu, safe and far removed from the event of 1990. My grandmother got talking to the girl. The usual questions. She asked the girl about her family. Where she lived? The girls lived nearby. Where was her family based in Kashmir, originally? Chattabal. From the further answers she got, my grandmother realized that this girl was grand-daughter of her friend Nirmala who used to live near our place in Kashmir.

In 1990 Nirmala’s husband Radhakrishan was picked up by those unknown men. He was taken to the ghat near Bharav Temple. His throat slit. It was Mohd. Yusuf who ran to the ghat, reaching it just in time. Radhakrishan was still alive. They were playing with him. Mohd. Yusuf pleaded with those blighted men. He vouched for the innocence of the man who lay on ground slithering in pain. Radhakrishan was saved that day by Mohd. Yusuf. A judgement averted.

Unhinged:

In a farce trial, a simple mind only asks,  ‘But what was the crime?’ There’s a jury and executioners, a litigator and a witness, an accused, an innocent and a hero. Surely, there must be a crime. The structure and constructs only allows us questions.

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Kalashnikov Night

Father came back inside and said they wanted everyone out in the yard. Everyone, including women, children and old. So on that dark, cold night along with everyone else , I too lined up against the wall and faced Kalashnikov. I was eight. It happened somewhere between January and February of year 1990.

Despite every obvious reason, the incident wasn’t a significant memory for me. It attained a meaning much later in my adulthood when I realised the absurdity of it all. I also realized, it had a different meaning for my family. They had rationalised it. For them it was all normal.

The incident: The blackouts were the beginning. I still don’t understand them. If the city is over run by masked gunmen, why should everyone turn off their lights? Everyone should have been asked to sleep with lights on. Take a torch to bed. Kashmiri nights are in any case always darks and disquieting. Yet, the city was under spell of blackouts. That night too, we were supposed to maintain a blackout. Now, blackout didn’t entirely mean lights out. It was winter, as was the norm, our windows were already sealed with newspapers and plastic sheets for insulation against cold. The windows were already tightly shut. Inside, we would light candles at night and wait for morning. We went back to living in primal caves. We tried to be invisible. But, men would be men. It was during these days, with nothing else to do, my father and his brothers started having marathon sessions of Paplu. The games would begin in morning and end in evening. In the afternoon, between curfew breaks, some of their friends would also join in. Scores, winnings and losses, would be maintained on inside leaf of Cavenders and Wills Navy Cut cigarette packets. Women would make Kehwa all day, and make grudging runs to the top room with trays of tea cups. The room on the top most floor of the house was converted into game room. It started to smell like a mix of tobacco, sugar and almonds. This room belonged to my family. Grandfather had purchased it from a kin member for eight hundred rupees after they had moved to a bigger house at Nishat. Our family now had four sections in the house. There was Naya Kambra, the new room, just near the main gate, the room I called my own. Across the courtyard, in the hundred year old wooden house, there was the Thokur Kuth, of the main hall with the main kitchen where everyone would sit down to eat. This became our primal cave during blackouts. There was my father’s room on the first floor. The room on the top floor would have gone to my uncle after his marriage. Other rooms in the building belonged to two other families of kin members. They had in addition, each a newly constructed ‘two room with kitchen’ set in two blocks that lined right side of the courtyard. In all there were twenty two people living in the house: Six children, five old and eleven Adults. Of these, five adults were now Paplu addicts. The play would usually stop at sunset, certainly before dinner and continue the next day; but that fateful night they all decided to have a night session. They lit candles in the room and continued playing. The windows were still shut, blackout was still respected, yet voices occasionally rose with excitement of the game. They forgot about the world outside. They forgot the war that was waging outside. They were in their house, the house that their ancestors built and re-built over may summers, and in it they were safe and invisible. Or so they thought. There was a chink in their cave.

The bunker had cropped up outside our house somewhere in January. It grew just next to little cart shop of small things run by Mad Karim. The first day, the men from bunker just walked across to our house, knocked and asked if they could use our lavatory. My father made some joke about their need for Jangal Pani, and welcomed them. After that, they always welcomed themselves to our lavatory. Family thought it was maybe a good development. Mad Karim was the first to die, he died in what was called crossfire. His sister Posha was to tell me years later that some men from the bunker came to buy cigarette, they bought some and went back. A moment later there was firing and he died on spot. The size of bunker grew, more men arrived, always new men.

That night someone among these men noticed a single beam of light coming out from the top floor of the house opposite their bunker. The beam it seemed was talking. It was talking in a cryptic manner. It flickered like a morse code of ominous light. One moment there was light coming out and the other it was off. The watcher looked more closely. He could now see the dark shadows getting formed on the warmly lit canvas of window panes covered in sun stained, brownish newspapers. It looked like a bunch of men in the room were moving rhythmically, in some kind of a religious ritual: men squatting, their backs upright, moving back and forth at regular interval, bellowing. The watchers senses grew even more keen in the darkness. Now, he could hear the occasional frantic sound formed in an indecipherable ugly language. Something evil was stirring in the room. Something that was contemporaneously acknowledging the blackout with light. Unseen to him, inside the room, the men were picking and dropping cards at their turns. Shouting in ecstasy on picking the right card. Unknown to them, there was a small hole in tone of the old wooden windows. The hole had always been there, I remember watching a ‘Azadi’ procession secretly one afternoon from the hole when my mother wouldn’t allow me to open the window. Now, the light escaping out from this hole was causing an entirely different play outside. 
Outside, the man watching this dance of light grew nervous. He decided to call it in. He rang his superior officer, after all these were serious times. Anything could mean something. So something like this could not be taken lightly. A raid party of eight was formed. The superior called in the local police station. These were times were the local administration was still included in the process. The local SHO was ordered to join the raid party and help in establishing communication. 
The raid party stood in the courtyard. They probably jumped the walls, even though the main gate was just locked from inside by a small wooden latch that only needed a small push to open. It was the heavy knocking that shook everyone out. Gamblers had come running down on the sound of the first knock itself. My father and uncles went out to talk. They were ordered to gather everyone outside.
We stood with our backs to the wall, forming a single line, facing the men with guns. The men were either BSF or ITBP. All of them were in their winter gear, green overcoats, big black leather boats, all neatly tied, their hands kept war by a gun and an Everyread torch. By the time I lined up, conversation had already taken a sad, ironic turn. Gamblers were trying hard to explain what they were doing in the room. The leader of the raid party was not buying any of it. This was a man much older than the men in his party. His fur lined overcoat probably befitted his superior post, even his voice, he sounded like Jamvant from Ramayan. The kind of man you might run into in a North Indian highway dhaba, a man who might ask you in all seriousness,  ‘You want butter Nan or plain Nan.’ This man was now pointing his big gun at my father and asking him in all seriousness if he knew which gun it was. 
The gun he was holding was a Kalashnikov. I could never forget that. He answered the question himself and went on to tell exactly how many rounds it is capable of spraying per second. Ten rounds per second. There were about 20 twenty of us. It would all have been over in two seconds
‘But we are Hindus.’ That was my father’s response. He asked the man to go inside the house and see the photographs of various gods on our walls. ‘I did NCC in school,’ an uncle chipped in helpfully, as if asking a favor. Someone volunteered to sing a Bhajan.
In reply, the man put the nuzzle to my father’s nect. My father remembers it was cold like shishargae’nt, an icicle. A shiver ran down his body.

None of it mattered. The man with the gun was going to teach us a lesson. Or they were now just having fun? Or was it their ‘area domination’ technique at play? The unarmed men kept trying to reason with the armed men. That seldom goes right. The fact these men were arguing back was getting on the nerves of the men with guns.

Finally, the SHO, who had till now had been a silent spectator, intervened. He told my father, ‘Pandit ji, Yem gaye hooyn…masa kariv vaad-vaad. These men are dogs, no point talking. Just apologise.’  
A few days after the incident, the rationalisation began. ‘It wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was good for us in a way. At least no one will now suspect us of collaborating with the security forces.’
A few days before the incident, Teng Sahib from across the the street had come in with some bad news. Teng Sahib knew a thing or two about such matters given that some of his students were the men who had taken up arms. That day he told us that he had heard whispers that our family was helping the security forces. Everyone in the family was alarmed as a rumor like that was exactly what could get a person killed in Kashmir. He had heard that we were offering food and water to the men in bunker. He couldn’t tell much details just that someone in the family had been seen talking to them frequently and he asked everyone to be careful about such matters. After he left, everyone knew who the culprit was. But the culprit plainly refuted all charges. 
It was only this year, after 23 years, when under extreme provocation I repeated the story of Kalashnikov night, my grandmother accepted that she may have a couple of times talked to the men in bunker and asked them if they needed water.
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Govind Joo went Karr’e

Govind Joo’s house. 2008.
The family moved away in 1970s.

You don’t know the story. Khabr’e Chaey Ne. He didn’t convert.’

Umm….Khabr’e Chaey Ne. You don’t know the story. He did convert.’

I was supposed to take my Brahminical rites the next morning, and here I was, late at night, in a Pandit Community Hall in Jammu, listening to my Father and Uncles having an amusing discussion about an odd bit of family history. Did their Grand-Uncle Govind Joo Razdan or Goo’ndh Joo, as they called him, turn Christian or not?

An aunt who was married into the family in late 1970s chipped in. ‘Well, it might be true. When the Razdan’s of Chattabal sent marriage proposal for me, one of my old relatives did ask if it’s not the same Karr’e family.’ Karr’e being the pejorative term in Kashmiri for converts to Christianity.

The complete story I came across recently in ‘Tyndale-Biscoe of Kashmir: An Autobiography’ (1951):

“We were at our holiday hut at Nil Nag, in the month of August 1939, when two of our teachers, Govind Joo Razdan, a widower, Sham Lal and his wife, an old boy, Kashi Nath and his wife, asked me to baptize them. They had for years been vey keen on all kinds of social service, so I knew by their lives, as well by their words, that they were truly fit persons to be received into the Christain Church. On Sunday morning I took them to the lake and baptized them.
We, and they, of course were well aware that when they returned to Srinagar, they would have to suffer persecution from the Brahmins, and they did.
[…]
Not many days passed before we heard that the teachers whom I had baptize, were in danger from their fellow Brahmans.
Govind Razdan was the first to be attacked by hooligans while crossing one of the city bridges. Fortunately for him, one of the policemen near by was an old boy of our school and he rescued him from the angry crowd. A few days later Sham Lal was going from my house to his home in the city, after dark, when he was attacked and so badly hurt that he had to be taken to hospital. The man who was the cause of this attack was a Brahmin policeman. Then came Kashi Nath’s turn. He was employed by a motor omnibus company and was taking a bus full of Brahmans to one of the most holy places in Kashmir named Tula Mula, where goddess is supposed to live in a tank. After landing his party at the holy spot, he was attacked by the worshippers, but fortunately there were Mohammedans at hand who came to his rescue and saved him.”

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Zorawar’s War Horses

A monument dedicated to
 General Zorawar Singh in Jammu

Zorawar kay ghoday dhoday
Kuch log ujhday
Kuch desh bhasay

My Great-Great-Great Grandfather was a man named Kamal Joo Razdan/Raina, a cashier in Zorawar’s Army, posted at times in Gilgit. The family lore has it he even had a sword, a royal gift.

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Fragment from a painted scroll: Zorawar Singh’s army marching through the mountains

A Buddhist Shrine: detail from a painted scroll. [In the bottom left corner can be seen Zorawar’s Army, looking on]
From Kashmiri Painting by Karuna Goswamy, 1998.

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In Leh, we hear Ladakhi women singing the song of Zorawar Singh’s wife:

I do not wish to eat bread received from the sinful northerners
I do not wish to drink water received from the sinful northerners
Amidst the inhabitants of this land I have no friends and relations…
When arriving at the Zoji-la-Pass, my fatherland can be seen…
Although I can see my fatherland, I shall not arrive there…



In Jammu, a wife of a soldier sings:

Tera miga ladga i manda, O gadda,
tera miga lagda i manda,
Eh Patwari migi khat rehyum liki dinda,
sau sau karnian Chanda.
Kehsi banai Rama
Jange di Chakri


I am sick of separation, my love,
I am sick of separation,
I entreat the Patwari again and again,
To write a letter for me, but he refuses,
So you leave the army and return home.
Why, O God Rama, have you created a permanent institution like the Army?



lines found in book, ‘Jammu and Kashmir’ by Somnath Dhar (1982) [link]


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Map of Kingdom of Kashmir from David McCormick’s ‘An artist in the Himalayas’ (1895).



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